I feel like all my titles are proving to be a little wordy. I'll try to work on that.
If you have been alive since the beginning of 2020, you might know that we are in the middle of a pandemic. The one thing about a pandemic that makes it unique is that it is an emerging infectious disease that has found its way into virtually every corner of our Earth.
This post isn't to discuss Coronavirus (COVID-19) though. I intend to discuss it in a post I am making commenting on the United States health care system and how it really contributes to this crisis.
While we are all (hopefully) self quarantining, I want to give you all something to focus on other than the very apparent stressor in all of our lives.
In the chaos of my life as a busy and involved university student, I really do try to do it all. Previously, I tended to operate out of intense fear. Fear of not being enough: good enough, smart enough, civically engaged enough, selfless enough, social enough, spiritual enough... you get the point.
I spend so much time rushing trying to get everything in my planner done so I can rest easy knowing I did all I could to ensure success and happiness for myself. But ask me how happy the exhaustion of keeping up with my impossible standards for my life made me.
You don't realize how fast you're moving until you start to slow down.
The University of South Florida started spring break with the intention to return after a week. Things swiftly changed course as the governor declared that classes for the next two weeks after spring break were to be completed remotely, or online.
I was happy. I had so much time! I could catch up on all the things I NEVER have the time or energy to do. I quickly realized that my motivation to push myself to do even more work was dissipating with every day alone in my quiet apartment.
And I hated myself for it.
Useless, I thought. You are wasting all this time just to stress yourself out.
I want to point out what's wrong with that (if you didn't catch it yourself). I gave myself crap for wanting to relax, have conversations with friends, spend time outdoors, and have endless movie nights with my boyfriend. And they could all sense it.
It isn't fair to them but also, it isn't fair to myself. Why don't I deserve rest and couch surfing and bad eating days?
I fall into this cycle of recognizing that I am being too hard on myself and then being so incredibly mad at myself for having been unfair to myself. Like many, I am on a constant journey of self-awareness and self-improvement. When I notice that I am actively working against my own success in any way, I want to immediately destroy that part of myself. In the process, I make myself feel like it is impossible for me to change.
You can see how this can be counterproductive.
We need to remember, especially in these times, to be kind to ourselves.
I mention this often, but I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. I have done things that are COMPLETELY out of my character and those experiences have made me, someone who already struggled with self-doubt, unable to trust that I am going to make the decisions that are best for me and those that I care about. I am having to relearn how to do this. It feels like I'm starting from scratch.
It's hard. It's so hard. I cry so often! But one thing Chad always tells me is that it is okay to cry, as long as you don't give up.
"Don't cry to quit, cry to keep going".
But deep down, I've grown. Through therapy, good people in my life, and just seeking out God best I know how, I have come to realize my strength.
Just because I'm strong, however, doesn't mean I should be equipped to handle my own abuse. I shouldn't have to.
Choose every day to say and think in the ways that are going to build you up into who you want to be. And who you're going to be.
Stay safe and thank you for reading! As always, please reach out to talk to me! I'm here for y'all and appreciate the support :)
Cover image by Morgan Harper Nichols
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