Hey y'all. There are obvious triggers associated with this post. I will list them below.
TW: Depression, assault.
I haven't posted in a while and I apologize for that. I have felt stalled in my ability to produce inspiring content.
I started and stopped drafts of posts about my thoughts and feelings about politics and school and my future but it didn't feel important. Nothing about my life felt important enough to share on here.
I've been second-guessing myself. Trying to reimagine a better, more interesting and intelligent version of myself that says all the right things.
But that person never showed up.
She didn't emerge with an elucidation of the meaning of life and the answer to all of the queries of our existence.
She didn't flip her suddenly long hair into the face of white supremacy and patriarchy and influence a generation to commit to organizing and mutual aid and equitable social structures.
She was just a no-show. Honestly, it was quite rude.
But yes, that is why I haven't been posting. It was only compounded by the literal hell that 2020 has been.
A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with depression. At first, I was relieved. I thought that now that I was able to name it, I would have a better handle on my emotions.
Despite popular belief, I've never actually been that happy. I am a person that bends towards optimism with a self-critical and negative inner voice. I assumed I wasn't trying hard enough to do the things that would make me happy and satisfied. I naturally blamed myself. I've always thought that I just got sad sometimes and, well, everyone gets sad. I mean I had gotten this far.
Starting out my junior year I was straight-up not having a good time and so I started going to counseling at my university. I've been utilizing counseling for over a year now and I would be a wreck without it. I am proud of the progress I've made.
But then I experienced what I consider one of the hardest years of my life. I was taken advantage of by someone I considered a friend, had to make the most difficult decisions I could ever imagine, had my relationship challenged, had my dad test positive for COVID, got in a car accident, and experienced unemployment and stress and anxiety related to finances.
And while I recognize 2020 hasn't been anyone's year, I am blessed to have made it through those challenges unscathed. Or at least that's what I thought.
The new school year started and things were only getting better for me. I got a new job, my relationship was the best it's ever been, I had a new apartment with my best friend and didn't ever have to step on campus (a place that had been a trigger for me, although I didn't realize it yet). And if things were going so well, there was no way for me to be any sadder than I was in the summer, right?
Well, no.
I had stopped going to therapy because I didn't know what to say. Why was I so sad? Life was actually going well! That's when I realized the role that trauma had on me. I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. Mainly because I felt like straight trash.
Since then, I've been back to therapy and I'm working with a psychiatrist to be able to feel better and I really do. Perfect? Hell, no. But definitely feeling better.
Oh, and that perfect woman that I am still, as I type this at 1 am, waiting for? I have to acknowledge that she doesn't exist.
I can have personal and professional development goals for myself. I can even tell myself to get my shit together. But I lose every single time I tell myself I am unworthy for not existing as her.
And WHY am I obsessed with being her? Is it because I worry about being forgettable? About letting my anxiety dig me into a pit where no one can see that I did something important with my life? The cyclical hell that I've put myself through is only exacerbated by a fear of running out of time.
I don't want to get stuck. Stuck with big, heavy dreams that hang on my arms and legs like weights and pull me down before I can even attempt to pick them up. I don't want to get in my own way. But then the fog rolls in and I'm sad and taking a shower feels like the most monumental thing I can do that day.
I want to be able to keep the wind in my sails so I can actually get to be better but I can't because my infatuation with everyone but myself paralyzes me.
I literally am unable to do.
All this to say, you do a disservice to society and yourself when you disregard the greatness that you hold NOW. Not tomorrow or next week or after you read that book or take that class but today, right now.
You have something that people want and need, something only you offer. Your opinion is valid and important and you are an expert in your lived experiences. The longer we spend looking at the merits of others as subtractions of our own, the less we have left of uniquely who we are. And that, I believe, is the worst thing we can do for the sake of our world.
I started this blog directly against my cynicism of my ability and in a moment of belief in the fact that I had something important to say, that my words had the ability to impact the world in a way that I would hope to be positive. No matter what I feel in the moment, I know that to be true.
My only hope is that you can say the same.
As always, please hit me up if your brain hates you too lmao
Photo from ABC Photo Illustration
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