I have been in the middle of a lot of discussions lately that have made me value my lack of confidence in my opinion.
Why? Well, because it keeps me from being combative towards people in my arguments.
But wait, Martha. This whole time you've been saying to work for a change and not a check and to believe in yourself ,so how can you turn around and say that you value a lack of confidence?
Now, don't get me wrong, there are things that I believe in strongly. Lots. I also know that I have energy to protect.
Let me explain.
Imagine you are sitting with your friend at a coffee shop. They start talking about how they think XYZ about immigration policy and initially you agree. You are momentarily shocked that your friend could think so differently than you. Maybe there are people who have had the same thoughts as your friend that you have publicly attacked for being so ignorant.
But, it's your friend. Maybe a friend you've known and loved for a long time. So, you ask them to explain why they think the way they do.
And you listen. You genuinely, fully listen.
And although you still don't agree, you understand how they reached that conclusion. You begin talking about what you believe and why you believe it and you have a dialogue.
Maybe they agree with you and maybe they don't. And believe it or not, that's okay.
Now, before everyone freaks out, this is NOT me saying that my black ass is going to sing kumbaya with white nationalists. It will never happen.
It is me saying though that when we have someone voice a different opinion or an ignorant one, there are a few things we need to consider in that moment:
- Is this idea harmful to others? If it is, you should definitely address it.
- Is this person coming from a place of harm?
Really think about this one. Oftentimes, most of us are not.
If not, address the person in private.
The title is important because even this, is very nuanced. Sometimes, it is important especially if you are a majority group in a space and a harmful comment is addressed to a BIPOC-identifying person, for you to speak up. I know as a Black woman how alienating it can be when no one says anything to a harmful comment.
It is important to recognize that psychologically, many of us do not change course in our thinking when told directly we are wrong.
I am not trying to make excuses for hateful OR ignorant people. I am, however, trying to better understand how we are still in a place of combativeness in our communication.
I also want to highlight that this isn't necessarily the responsibility of BIPOC or other minorities. We have enough fatigue from having to educate the public and it shouldn't be our responsibility.
This is just a commentary on our conversations with one another and maybe a different approach.
Message me with your thoughts! I know this probably an unpopular opinion, but you all know I do it for my Black people, the girls, and the gays so take a breath before you come for me.
Don't come for me pt. 2, I sometimes like the corporate art style. It's settling.
Art from timeout.com
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