I'm sick and tired and I feel like life is really hard right now.
Relationships are hard to maintain and repair, especially within the pandemic and I carry a lot with me. With my family, with friends, everyone feels so far away and worse off than me and it becomes easy to forget yourself.
I feel like I am constantly searching for meaning and happiness and it is always shifting under me.
I've looked within religion and school and I feel like I'm still looking.
I look in clothes and alcohol and money and it all leads to self hate. I hate how I handle money, I hate how I look in those clothes, I hate how the drinks make me feel.
Even with this blog, it feels like a chore to write to all of you something that sounds good or inspiring.
Sometimes, I am just tired. I want to sleep for a few days and not think about my body, or my future, or my bank account.
I have so many expectations put on me by myself and others about the important things that I am going to do. But who am I going to be? Am I still going to be the depressed girl that doesn't know where to search for happiness and purpose?
Is my worth in the number of books I've read this year? Or how eloquently I can argue for community-centered work? Am I even built for this? Is my worth in how far I am from the place that I grew up? Why am I even going to grad school so far away from everything I've known anyway?
Do I think running away will help me find what's missing?
I look, and look, and look and I still can't find anything to make the feeling of satisfaction last and I swear I can't be the only one.
Being in your 20s is weird and I know that this is part of it, but I fear I will always just be trying to convince myself that I am happy and content, but what if I'm always searching?
I can recognize that this is fear talking. Fear of the unknown. Fear of taking risks. Fear of pushing myself. I am in a place where I have been working so hard for so long and have never given myself the space to rest. I've always had to be constantly improving and learning.
I think I'm so afraid of just being because what am I outside of what I can do for this world? Maybe when I'm able to answer that, I will be at peace.
Cover photo source unknown.
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